This is something I've wanted to tackle for a while. I always seem to put it off, though, and wind up forgetting about it altogether. Well, this morning an e-mail I received reminded me that this is as good a time as ever to tackle this.
Now, I travel a bit and, when I do, I normally fly. While I certainly have my preferred airline, sometimes I'll fly on a different carrier if the price or the schedule is easier to deal with. And, as much as all of these airlines differ (and they really do), they all seem to have one thing in common.
That's right, folks: Sky Mall.
If you've ever been to someone's house, and seen something on a wall or a shelf or in a garden, that you've never actually seen in a store, but it's really bizarre, they may have gotten it through Sky Mall.
Sky Mall is a like a printed late-night-mega-infomercial at 35,000 feet. Upon its pages you'll find things which, frankly, you just can't live without. And, to be fair, Sky Mall does offer things which you're just not likely to find anywhere else. Ask yourself, where else are you likely to find a pair of seats from "The House That Ruth Built"?
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| A pair of seats from the original Yankee Stadium, which fell silent forever on September 21, 2008 |
Maybe you, or someone you know, could use a new carry-on bag. Who's going to know the attributes of a fine carry-on more than the publishers of a catalog that's found next to the motion sickness bag?
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| A nice leather carry-on with easy laptop access - $229.95 at Sky Mall |
Now, I'm pretty sure that there are over a bajillion products available through Sky Mall. And, with that many available products, it should surprise no one that, along with the practical and the cool, as shown above, they also offer the profoundly ridiculous.
So, just in case you think I'm making it up:
1. The Townhaus Dog Crate:
The good folks at Sky Mall don't want to make life easier only for their human friends, oh, no sir. Your canine can be assured of posh surroundings, as well. And, really, what else would you want to do with $549.00?
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| That's not a crate, that's an apartment... |
2. Zombie of Montclaire Moors Garden Sculpture:
I visited a friend in Las Vegas recently and, after he picked me up at the airport, we stopped at a gun show. He ended up buying several thousand rounds of ammunition for, as he put it, "the zombie apocalypse". Now, I have no doubt that the zombie apocalypse will, one day, be upon us, but I don't feel the need to tempt fate. With that in mind, I have to wonder what kind of twisted mind puts this in his garden:
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| The neatest part about this? It's freakin' LIFE-SIZE!!! |
3. iGrow Hair Rejuvenation Laser:
Sad to say, I'm a bit thin on top these days and, quite frankly, it ain't gettin' any thicker. I actually checked out one of those hair restoration places about 15 years ago. I decided to buy a car, instead. But, honestly, as much as I wish I had a full head of thick, healthy hair, I believe I'll just opt to go through life bald as a bowling ball before I ever resort to something like this:
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| And it even comes with the stylish headphones... |
4. The Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush Set:
I'm 50 years old. At no point during those 50 years did I ever find an unwavering need for a singing toothbrush and, if I had, you can be damn sure it would've been someone cool like Lou Rawls:
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| Even if I could think of a caption, it doesn't deserve one... |
5. The Life-Size Dark Knight Cowl:
Let's face it, Batman's a badass. He's got his tool belt and a butler and that bitchin' car. Man, what any guy wouldn't have given for those. Back in the 60's. When we were seven. Anyone who's got the kind of coin kickin' around to indiscriminately drop four large on something like this is probably in his late 40's or so and, as such, is probably also living in his Mom's basement:
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| This is also known as "birth control"... |
6. The SkyRest Travel Pillow:
The first time I was this, my reaction was "Wow, that's pretty goofy". But this is actually one of the more practical items available to travelers in Sky Mall. I've always been secretly envious of those people who are out cold and drooling before the plane even leaves the gate, simply because I really have a hard time falling asleep on a plane. Well, if you're like me, your worries are over. Granted, after having taken hundreds of flights over the years, I've never seen a single person using one of these but, hey, Sky Mall says it's a best seller:
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| No one really uses these. Ever... |
7. Car Lashes (and optional Crystal Eyeliner!):
I've owned about a dozen cars in my life. I've had coupes and sedans, pick-up trucks and mini-vans (hey, that sounds like lyrics from a country song). Some of those vehicles were purchased new, more were purchased used. Somehow, with all the traveling I've done and after all those cars I've owned, I managed to miss the boat on these:
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| They look just swell on a BMW 325is... |
8. Dachshund Ice Cube Tray:
I can't think of a single reason not to have this, despite the fact that they're discriminating against every other breed of dog on the planet. You would think they'd have a more popular breed like, I dunno', a Yellow Lab or a German Shepherd. No, the marketing geniuses as Sky Mall decided that a freaking Dachshund was the way to go:
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| Nothing livens up a party faster than doggie ice cubes... |
9. Wine Cork Bulletin Board:
I was in Target the other day, and saw a cork bulletin board for $12.99. It was rather nondescript but, to be fair, it was a bulletin board. Still, for thirteen bucks, it was a pretty good buy. And, as good as it might be for you, it's just not good enough for Sky Mall. They want to send you a kit you can use to make your own bulletin board out of the wine corks from your bottles of Merlot and Chablis Blanc. Now, I count upwards of 300 corks in the photo below. That's a lot of wine. You could dribble down to Target and have a perfectly functional bulletin board this afternoon, or you can buy this kit from Sky Mall and, if you drink a bottle a day, have a fully functional bulletin board sometime in June of 2013. And for a little more than thirteen bucks:
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| Even at only ten bucks a bottle, this is your $3,000.00 bulletin board... |
Unlike the Dachshund ice cube try, I'm entirely and completely unable to find a reason why anyone would require something like this to dress up the yard. Quite honestly, this looks like something my 8 year old nephew would put together in art class. For an eight year old, this is fine work. For an eight year old:
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| You attach 'em to trees, because it makes sense to do that... |
So, there are ten of the more, ummmmmm... "must haves" from the current Sky Mall catalog. The nice thing about the catalog is that with each new issue are more examples of those things that any decent American just can't imagine trying to live without.
I'm back on a plane in the morning, and I just can't wait to see what I find...
***All images are copyrighted by Sky Mall © 2012
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